Life is Stupidly Unfair: A Mom's Journey of Survival

It seems so tricky sometimes when you lose a child.  When someone asks you how many children you have, what do you say?  I want to say I have two children, but then I feel like I have to explain what happened.  If I don't, they obviously assume I have two living children and start asking questions like a normal person would.   I don't want to say I just have one child, but sometimes it's easier.   Sometimes I just say I have one living and one in Heaven. No matter how you say it, it's hard. I was asked to just write a quick bio about myself for my new company website.  I read through the other ones and of course people mention their kids.  That makes it hard for me.  I want to acknowledge both children, but obviously don't want to go into that long story in a bio about myself.  And don't want to say I just have one child.  It is just way more complicated in my head than it needs to be.  But it's those weird little things you don't thi

There is something that kept popping up in my mind this weekend and was kind of bothering me.  After I had my baby shower, which was so close to when we lost her, I forgot to send out the thank you notes I wrote.  I had most of them all written and ready to go and then everything happened and I just never got them sent.  I know it sounds like a silly thing to stress over, but I feel bad about it.  I know people are understanding because of the circumstances, but I still feel a bit bad about it.  Then afterwards when we lost her, we received so many thoughtful cards and gifts and I tried to say thank you to everyone, but just feel it's inadequate.  A few times I thought about going ahead and sending them anyways, even months later, but then just never did.  It was weirdly hard to send them.  To remember the last time that we had a happy celebration in anticipation of her arrival.  A lot of people I have seen who have a baby diagnosed with CDH or another life-threatening c

Today, as I was sitting here working, I realized that last week, on July 11, was exactly four months since we lost Jasmine.  What bothered me even more is that I didn't even realize that until today.  I knew there would be a point where I wouldn't automatically remember how many days, weeks, or months it had been, but it still caught me off guard. I was kind of mad at myself, like how could I forget already?  But then reminded myself that it's okay.  It doesn't mean that I have ever forgotten about her or that I will ever forget about her.  Things have been so crazy around here lately with all the changes, that I have to be forgiving of myself.  Then I started thinking about how part of me regrets not letting N come up there when she was born.  Even though I know it was the right decision and still would make the same decision, I wish he could have seen her.  I wish I could've had a picture of my two kids together.  But I also know he wouldn't truly u

Looking for a new job when you know your boss is looking for your replacement is kinda scary.  You worry that the replacement will be found before you find something else.  It was literally just a week and a half ago that my boss and I had our talk.  It seems like it was months ago!  I was applying everywhere and not getting tons of calls (typical I know).  Anyways, I saw a job posting at another CPA firm and decided to apply.  I had the interview on Tuesday and got an offer yesterday.  It is literally perfect for me.  Like the job was written for me.  I am really excited to start the new journey there!  So I am putting in my notice today with my current job.  It is bittersweet for sure.  I have been here almost 6 years and have been through a lot.  I got pregnant and gave birth to N while I worked here.  I went through my miscarriage.  Through two different houses.  Through the pregnancy and loss of Jasmine.  A lot has happened here.  So even though I feel that it is time I mov

It has been a while since I had anything to write about.  We took a nice family vacation to Galveston last week, which was so nice and relaxing.  I did get a weird sunburn and we got attacked by mosquitoes at one point, but those were really the only negatives.  I was able to finally relax and just not feel so stressed about things. One of the main things that has come out of the loss of Jasmine has been a change in my mindset and priorities.  It makes you realize how short life is and how you do not want to waste time doing things that aren't important to you anymore.  It makes you realize that some things you thought were super important really aren't that important at all. I have struggled with writing about this since it is regarding my job and obviously I didn't want it to get back to my employer.  Right before I got pregnant with Jasmine, my plan had been to go to school and then take the test to become a CPA.  After we lost her, I realized I had zero desire

I know a lot of people don't buy into it, but I think dreams do have meanings.  And sometimes it is hard to figure out exactly what they mean sometimes.  I had such a strange dream last night that I wanted to write it all out so I could remember. I was in my bedroom getting ready for bed.  My husband was out of town for work and N was already asleep in his room.  I then noticed there was a snake in my room.  I don't like snakes, so cue the freak out.  Randomly, there was also a mongoose.  But the mongoose wasn't fighting off the snake like I wanted it too.  I even tried picking it up and putting it by the snake so that it would fight the snake.  I called my husband on the phone and was asking him what to do, but he couldn't help me since he wasn't home.  As the mongoose and the snake were fighting, I had an object in my hand that I think was a spoon.  I tried to hit the snake in the head with the spoon, but that gave the snake the opportunity to reach up and

I have been busy lately with some things I am really excited about.  There are a lot of changes going on in my life.  After we lost Jasmine, I felt the urge to just change everything in my life.  Change my house, change my job, move somewhere else.  I think it's a common thing to feel.  You feel like by changing everything, you can just run away from your pain.  Even though, really, it would just follow you wherever you go. I also think it's hard because you have memories of what happened at the various places in your life.  Our house is where I found out I was pregnant with her, it's where I took my weekly pics, it's where we made plans and had a room set aside just for her with the decorations we bought.  I have memories of being pregnant at work too.  I will just be sitting in my office and randomly remember something like having to turn sideways when I walked down the hall because my belly was too big and I didn't want to hit my coworker walking the other