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This time last year, we were flying to Florida and getting ready for our consultation with the doctor who we thought could save Jasmine.  I remember feeling excited and hopeful about it.  I mean he was the specialist and he dealt with CDH all the time.  The thought of having to do four appointments was daunting.  I had never had an MRI, so didn't really know what to expect from that.  The others were basically just long ultrasounds, which I was definitely familiar with.  We spent the better part of two days in all of these appointments. 

I can say I hope I never have to have another MRI.  Those have a way of making people who aren't typically claustrophobic feel like they are!  Plus, even with the ear plugs, they are super loud and Jasmine didn't seem to like the noise since she was moving around like crazy.  The echo we had to do was just long and drawn out.  Before that, I never knew how many different parts of the heart they could even look at. 

I remember going into th…
Recent posts

Finally Announcing

It is so nice to finally be able to talk about the pregnancy openly.  A pregnancy after a loss, especially the kind I had, is not for the weak.  You become even more hyper aware of everything.  Even more you expect there to be something wrong because that's what prior experience has shown you.

After we lost Jasmine, we met with a genetic counselor.  They said the issues didn't appear to be genetic and that while they couldn't guarantee that there was a zero percent chance of it happening again, that the chances were likely less than 1%.  But the chances of it happening in any pregnancy in the first place were small.  So once it happens to you, even 1% feels huge.

I knew I was pregnant at a little before the 4 week mark.  I had betas drawn and those all went well.  I have had four ultrasounds before the one with the MFM yesterday.  Everything has been good so far.  I had the NIPT blood test and it came back negative for trisomy 13, 18, 21 and sex chromosome issues.  But the…

The holiday season after a loss

I have had several people ask me how I'm doing with the holiday season approaching.  To be honest, I hadn't thought of this holiday season as being any different.  It's the first one after our loss.  But I have had so much going on I haven't even really thought of the holidays much.

Christmas has been more of an afterthought.  But when I did think about it, it was more in relation to my son.  Christmas is still exciting for him so I know I need to make an effort to "care" a little more about Christmas this year. 

I intend to get Jasmine a stocking, but can't seem to pick out the right one.  We don't all have matching stockings, so any would do.  But I'm having a hard time making up my mind.

This would have been her first Christmas and if she had been born on her due date, would be around 8 months old.  I am sad that I won't get to see the interaction between them on Christmas.  I think lately I mostly just push the sad feelings away and try to…

Four more months

I was just thinking the other day that it's only a little under four months until we hit that year mark on when Jasmine was born.  It will be here before we know it.  The time goes by like a blur because have Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then tax season starts and I get super swamped.

I was trying to think of what I could do to celebrate her birthday. I saw someone else who had a loss who asked all of her friends and family members to say or write the name of her baby and send her a pic/video.  I really liked this idea because it helps keep her name alive and shows that other people still care about her too.

I know people who have done things like balloon releases, but I would rather do something more environmentally friendly. 

I have never been private in my grief and have written about it all.  The good parts and the ugly parts.  How else can I expect people to even begin to understand what it's like if I am not completely open and honest?  Some people don't like to sha…

My Frustrations with Doctors

I have never been one that's been big on doctors.  I don't like taking medicine if I don't have to.  I don't go to the doctor for every little thing.  I can pretty much tell when I absolutely have to go and am not getting better on my own and then grudgingly give in and go.

Having to see as many doctors as I did with Jasmine was obviously not fun for me.  Each one giving their own opinion and some of them giving conflicting information.  One saying an issue was serious and the other saying it wasn't a big issue at all.

It took me a long time to realize that I don't HAVE to see any doctor.  We have a choice here and that is one of the good things about our medical system.  I had a negative experience at my first MFM and left every appointment feeling negative and hopeless.  Like there was no point in fighting.  Then I realized I didn't have to keep going there because I was the customer.  I was the one paying and I had a choice to leave.  So I did.  No one a…

Talking About Loss

It's been almost a month since I've written anything.  My life has been busy, but in a mostly good way.  I've really been enjoying my new job.  Through the Pregnancy After Loss (PALS) Facebook Groups that I help moderate, I've been able to hear about a lot of different women who have gone through different kinds of losses.  Everyone on there has had a loss of some kind.  It is actually nice to be able to connect with others who have gone through a similar thing.  It's a way that we all don't want to be connected, but it's also nice to have the support from those women.

Losses can happen to anyone.  Someone who is told they have a completely healthy pregnancy and nothing is wrong.  Someone who has a baby with a chromosome issue.  It's random and sometimes the cause isn't even known.  It's incredibly frustrating.

What I find even more frustrating is how many people have felt like they can't talk about their loss with their family and friends. …

CDH Community

I have been fortunate to have a couple of people I know who have also gone through a loss around the same time as me.  We have been able to talk about our feelings and be there for each other because we knew exactly how the other person was feeling.  I hate the circumstances in which we met, but am grateful to have people that understand.
While Jasmine did have CDH, in the end it seems like the trisomy was what really caused everything.  So it's hard sometimes to even feel part of the "CDH Community".  I left a lot of the Facebook groups for a while because I just couldn't handle it, but ended up joining a few of them again a couple of months after the loss.  I wanted to be able to be supportive to others who had a baby with trisomy or a baby that didn't make it.  
These pages make an effort to be there for both survivors and angel babies.  As much as they try, I know I, and a few others I have talked to, still feel like we aren't part of that community anymo…