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Jasmine's Story

We found out we were pregnant with Jasmine a few months after a failed fertility treatment.  We had done a treatment that was successful, but then ended in miscarriage.  My HCG levels were falling, but then started rising again, so I had to take a shot of methotrexate.  This meant we had to wait at least three months before trying again.  I found out I was pregnant with her a couple of months after the waiting period was over.

I went to my RE for beta levels and everything was rising and doubling perfectly.  All my early ultrasounds with him looked great and she was growing normally and right on track.  I had my first appointment with my OB and everything looked fine on that end as well.
It came time to do the NT scan and genetic testing.  They no longer did the NT scan in their office and they referred me out to an MFM to get it done.  We went to the appointment and the tech did the scan.  She showed us the things we were looking at and we were able to see some really cool 3D shots, …
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The Reality of Being a Mom

Last night was rough.  Emma was up every 60-90 min until four.  After that, she woke up every time I tried to lay her down.  I got maybe 2-3 hours of broken sleep.  I was beyond frustrated and have found lack of sleep makes me angry too.  My husband had to go out of town for work again this morning, so I was solo getting the kids ready for the day.  I was frustrated with Nolan and yelled at him.  Basically, just not how I wanted the morning to go.

But being a mom means sacrificing a lot.  More than you even expect.  You know there will be sleepless nights, but you don't realize just how rough it will be.

Being a mom means you have to hurridly eat your meals or eat them cold.  Or maybe even eat them one handed while you hold the baby with the other hand and help your 5 year old do something in between bites.

It means having to sit in the back seat sometimes because your son asks you too even though you don't always want to.  And sitting on the couch, but having them both right …

Explaining Loss to Siblings

It has been a while since I have written anything.  I have mostly been writing for the Pregnancy After Loss Support blog and documenting my pregnancy and life with a new baby.  If you want to read any of them, you can at the Pregnancy After Loss Support Website.

My life has been full of change lately and it has been completely overwhelming.  Learning how to divide my attention between two children has been tough because they both seem to need me at the same time.  I feel like I have had to tell Nolan so many times "I can't help you right now, I have to feed the baby."  I know these days are numbered with her being so little, so I try hard to not beat myself up about it.  Being a parent is hard, no matter how many kids you have.

In the past few days, Nolan has been asking a lot of questions about Jasmine and why she died.  He was 3, almost 4, when we lost her.  We tried to explain as best we could what happened, but he was too little to completely understand.  I think now…

Memories

This time last year, we were flying to Florida and getting ready for our consultation with the doctor who we thought could save Jasmine.  I remember feeling excited and hopeful about it.  I mean he was the specialist and he dealt with CDH all the time.  The thought of having to do four appointments was daunting.  I had never had an MRI, so didn't really know what to expect from that.  The others were basically just long ultrasounds, which I was definitely familiar with.  We spent the better part of two days in all of these appointments. 

I can say I hope I never have to have another MRI.  Those have a way of making people who aren't typically claustrophobic feel like they are!  Plus, even with the ear plugs, they are super loud and Jasmine didn't seem to like the noise since she was moving around like crazy.  The echo we had to do was just long and drawn out.  Before that, I never knew how many different parts of the heart they could even look at. 

I remember going into th…

Finally Announcing

It is so nice to finally be able to talk about the pregnancy openly.  A pregnancy after a loss, especially the kind I had, is not for the weak.  You become even more hyper aware of everything.  Even more you expect there to be something wrong because that's what prior experience has shown you.

After we lost Jasmine, we met with a genetic counselor.  They said the issues didn't appear to be genetic and that while they couldn't guarantee that there was a zero percent chance of it happening again, that the chances were likely less than 1%.  But the chances of it happening in any pregnancy in the first place were small.  So once it happens to you, even 1% feels huge.

I knew I was pregnant at a little before the 4 week mark.  I had betas drawn and those all went well.  I have had four ultrasounds before the one with the MFM yesterday.  Everything has been good so far.  I had the NIPT blood test and it came back negative for trisomy 13, 18, 21 and sex chromosome issues.  But the…

The holiday season after a loss

I have had several people ask me how I'm doing with the holiday season approaching.  To be honest, I hadn't thought of this holiday season as being any different.  It's the first one after our loss.  But I have had so much going on I haven't even really thought of the holidays much.

Christmas has been more of an afterthought.  But when I did think about it, it was more in relation to my son.  Christmas is still exciting for him so I know I need to make an effort to "care" a little more about Christmas this year. 

I intend to get Jasmine a stocking, but can't seem to pick out the right one.  We don't all have matching stockings, so any would do.  But I'm having a hard time making up my mind.

This would have been her first Christmas and if she had been born on her due date, would be around 8 months old.  I am sad that I won't get to see the interaction between them on Christmas.  I think lately I mostly just push the sad feelings away and try to…

Four more months

I was just thinking the other day that it's only a little under four months until we hit that year mark on when Jasmine was born.  It will be here before we know it.  The time goes by like a blur because have Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then tax season starts and I get super swamped.

I was trying to think of what I could do to celebrate her birthday. I saw someone else who had a loss who asked all of her friends and family members to say or write the name of her baby and send her a pic/video.  I really liked this idea because it helps keep her name alive and shows that other people still care about her too.

I know people who have done things like balloon releases, but I would rather do something more environmentally friendly. 

I have never been private in my grief and have written about it all.  The good parts and the ugly parts.  How else can I expect people to even begin to understand what it's like if I am not completely open and honest?  Some people don't like to sha…

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