Life is Stupidly Unfair: A Mom's Journey of Survival

After over a year of trying to conceive naturally, my OBGYN suggested we try IUI. We did 4 IUI cycles with her before she recommended we move on to see a fertility specialist, who then tried 2 more IUI cycles before ultimately recommending IVF. We proceeded with IVF and that was an absolute rollercoaster. We went from the high of a fruitful egg retrieval, to an above average number of eggs fertilized. Then we were suddenly rocked to learn on day 3 that our embryos weren't looking great, and that we needed to brace ourselves for the possibility of nothing viable to transfer. This was our first taste of what we believed to be absolute heartbreak. So naïve. By some miracle, we ended up having 3 viable embryos on day 5. Those 2 days felt like an eternity then. Only 2 of those embryos ended up being good for transfer, so we thawed and transferred one and began our 2 week wait. We were floored to learn at the end of it that we were pregnant (spoiler: this one ends well, don't wo...

My Husband and I started trying to conceive in 2014. We were not having any luck getting pregnant, so in 2014 we went to the Fertility Specialist. After a rollercoaster of 3 failed IUI’s, we decided to take a break from trying. Bam, we got pregnant the next month. December 2015, we found out we were 6 weeks along at a routine gyno appointment. We were definitely not expecting to come out of the doctors office with a sonogram of our baby. We were over the moon, and so excited to tell our family!  A week later, I started bleeding. I just knew we were miscarrying. Sobbing uncontrollably, I called my doctor, who had me come in right away. They still saw the baby’s heart beat, and told me to go home and be on bed rest for a few days. I went back to the doctor a few days later, and the baby did not have a heartbeat. I was hurt, confused, and most of all angry that the sweet baby I already loved so much was gone. I wound up having a DNC because I bled so much and my body was not passi...

“Wait! Are there two?!” “Yes.” I still carry some guilt with the initial thoughts I had at that first appointment. You see, I had vowed from the moment I got pregnant with the twins, (before I knew they were twins) to be more calm, less anxious, and trust God. I had a lot of first time mom anxiety when I was pregnant with our first daughter, I ruined some of the joyous moments I could have had with worry. So I was determined the second go around to not worry so much, I mean I had been pregnant before and knew what to expect. The moment the two heartbeats showed up on the monitor threw that all out the window, and the fear crept in all over again. How would I manage three small children under two with a history of PPD? How would we afford the extra medical bills? How would we afford double of everything? Am I going to have to quit my job? We don’t even have a car to fit 3 car seats! I started to cry. Adam my husband rubbed my shoulder and told me it would be ok and we wou...

Mama to Cadence and Savannah March 2015: The soft movements in my belly stopped. Ensue chaos, confusion, tears, and heartbreak. I was induced at 28 weeks on a Monday night, and Cadence was born still on Tuesday. Her father and I held her, family got to see her, and we had a few pictures taken. We had a small funeral and brought home a tiny acorn shaped urn that sits prominently on our mantle. She continues to be a part of our family. May 2016: Hope and fear coexist as we find out our high-risk rainbow baby, Savannah was having difficulties. I had developed Preeclampsia and needed an emergency c-section at 30 weeks. She was born weighing just 1lb 15oz. and was immediately whisked away to the NICU where she would stay for 66 days until we got to take her home. Rainbows The traditional rainbow baby: I cannot deny the joy she brings into our lives every day. I take a lot of pictures because I always fear that it may be the last one taken of her, and I try to remind myself of how amazin...

The term rainbow baby is used to describe a baby who is born after a loss.  It is sometimes referred to as the rainbow after the storm of loss.  There are some people who do not like to use the term rainbow because they feel it implies that their child they lost was the storm and that the child born after is something of a replacement for the other child.   While I understand the thought process behind this, I do not think that this is what the term is saying.  I feel it refers more to the storm of grief and emotion that follows the loss.  It literally is a storm of emotions, including grief, anger, sadness, loneliness, and many others.  The emotions bounce from one to the next and sometimes random ones hit you unexpectedly and out of nowhere.  I know I felt all of these after our loss.  I also felt jealous for those who had never experienced a loss or had to deal with a situation like this.  Of course, I would never wish this type o...

It is so nice to finally be able to talk about the pregnancy openly.  A pregnancy after a loss, especially the kind I had, is not for the weak.  You become even more hyper aware of everything.  Even more you expect there to be something wrong because that's what prior experience has shown you. After we lost Jasmine, we met with a genetic counselor.  They said the issues didn't appear to be genetic and that while they couldn't guarantee that there was a zero percent chance of it happening again, that the chances were likely less than 1%.  But the chances of it happening in any pregnancy in the first place were small.  So once it happens to you, even 1% feels huge. I knew I was pregnant at a little before the 4 week mark.  I had betas drawn and those all went well.  I have had four ultrasounds before the one with the MFM yesterday.  Everything has been good so far.  I had the NIPT blood test and it came back negative for trisomy 1...