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Four Months

Today, as I was sitting here working, I realized that last week, on July 11, was exactly four months since we lost Jasmine.  What bothered me even more is that I didn't even realize that until today.  I knew there would be a point where I wouldn't automatically remember how many days, weeks, or months it had been, but it still caught me off guard.

I was kind of mad at myself, like how could I forget already?  But then reminded myself that it's okay.  It doesn't mean that I have ever forgotten about her or that I will ever forget about her. 

Things have been so crazy around here lately with all the changes, that I have to be forgiving of myself. 

Then I started thinking about how part of me regrets not letting N come up there when she was born.  Even though I know it was the right decision and still would make the same decision, I wish he could have seen her.  I wish I could've had a picture of my two kids together.  But I also know he wouldn't truly understand what happened.  I haven't shown him any of her pictures yet.  I want to, but just don't know how to bring it up.  I have plans to put up a few pictures of her on our gallery wall and I know he will be curious about it.  He still brings her up every once in a while. 

It has been a while since I've cried about it all, but I did get a little sad today.  I think now that other areas of my life are changing, it feels like I am moving on.  Which I am, but I know overall it's in a good way. 


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