Life is Stupidly Unfair: A Mom's Journey of Survival

One of the feelings I have been wrestling with a little bit is guilt.  I feel guilty that it's only been a little over 3 months and I am "moving on" with my life.  That I am not sad every moment.  Even though I realize I can't be that way.  I can't be sad all the time.  That is no way to live my life.  N needs me and my family needs me.  But it's still hard.  I know that I do suppress my feelings sometimes so I can just live my life.  I also sometimes feel guilty that I want another baby.  The new baby would NEVER be a replacement for her, but my family doesn't feel complete yet.  I so badly want a little girl that I can bring home.  A sister for N that he can grow up with.  Feelings after a loss are so complicated.  You want to get back to your new normal, but then you feel bad for doing that.  Especially when you see others who seem to grieve so much longer than you.  And it's not that I don't sti...

I feel like everyone has some kind of plan for their life or at least a general direction that they think things will go.  I am definitely a planner and a controller.  I like to plan what's going to happen and get quite annoyed when I feel like I am not in control.  I think I have mentioned this before, but I feel like the more I try to control things, the more I learn I am in control of nothing. My husband told me I needed to calm down and not be so obsessive over things.  And I realized he was totally right.  It's just in my nature to get that way, so sometimes it's hard to not do it! I realized I was being way too obsessive/controlling about my diet because that was the thing I could actually be in control of.  Not in an unhealthy way or anything, but I let myself have a little dairy and gluten the other day because it won't hurt me every once in a while.  I even gave in and had McDonald's last night and knew I would regret that (and I do b...

Thank you so much to all of you that responded to the survey I posted.  I have gotten some really great feedback.  If you haven't taken it yet, I would still appreciate your feedback!  (Also there is a follow up one at the end that's different) https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/57S65YG One of the things that several people mentioned is that they aren't quite sure what exactly a doula is or does. I was like this with my first birth. I thought I didn't need one of those for just "emotional support" and that it wasn't something worth the money. Going through this training and speaking with other people who have used one have completely changed my mind and I will definitely be hiring one with my next birth. (I had my husband and my mom at both of my births. I wasn't lacking in support, but I just see so much value in having a doula there.) - They don't just work with home births or natural births. They work with all kinds of births, includ...

As of Sunday, it will be 13 weeks since we lost her.  Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday.  Sometimes I feel like it never even happened at all.  I miss her every day.  I think about her every day.  I get the urge to cry most days, but usually push it away because I am tired of being sad.  The good days do outweigh the bad days.  My life is back to "normal" routine wise.  I take care of N, I go to work, I come home, etc.  Same routine.  Weird things will sometimes trigger my emotions.  I was at work just sitting at my desk a couple weeks ago.  I don't even remember what made me think of this, but I thought of the moment that I got that call from the doctor at the end that he wouldn't be able to help us.  That devastated feeling.  It all came flooding back and I had to quickly push it away to keep my composure at work.  The other constant reminder I h...

In going through the doula training, one of the readings was what I am posting below written by the founder of Still Birthday, Heidi Faith.  This resonated with me so much that I just really wanted to share it. In twenty minutes, a mother who has been laboring, in pain, terror, disbelief and anguish, will give one final push, and her silent, stillborn baby will be born. In twenty minutes, a father, shocked, in horror and in terrible amazement, will watch as his lifeless child, perfect but still, is carefully swaddled. He will watch as the doctor awkwardly and uncomfortably asks his distraught, grief stricken wife if she wants to hold this unmoving bundle of bleach smelled blanket and lifeless form. The mother, wet from tears, sweat and blood, will be shaking, broken, overwhelmed, and will, with uncertainty, recieve her baby in her arms.  Both parents will feel ill-prepared and terribly alone. In twenty minutes, this baby’s older brother, a surviv...

Anger has been the dominant emotion yet again this weekend.  I have no idea why, it just hit me out of nowhere and I was so mad at everything. Mad that my stupid foot won't seem to heal and I still can't exercise because of it. Mad that I am working so hard on my diet and yet my cycle isn't coming back and is, in fact, worse than ever. Mad that I am so restless at night and can't get a solid night's sleep no matter what I do.  Mad that I wake up at the same time every night (4 in the morning) and sometimes can't get back to sleep. Yesterday, all I wanted to do was eat at McDonald's.  Sounds so simple, but I had so much guilt that went along with it.  Did I really want to erase almost three months of no dairy or gluten?  Would eating it one time keep me from getting pregnant again or mess up my cycle even more?  I know it sounds crazy, but I agonized over this one stupid decision.  I ended up eating at home, which I know is better for me....