Skip to main content

13 Weeks

As of Sunday, it will be 13 weeks since we lost her.  Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday.  Sometimes I feel like it never even happened at all. 

I miss her every day.  I think about her every day.  I get the urge to cry most days, but usually push it away because I am tired of being sad.  The good days do outweigh the bad days.  My life is back to "normal" routine wise.  I take care of N, I go to work, I come home, etc.  Same routine. 

Weird things will sometimes trigger my emotions.  I was at work just sitting at my desk a couple weeks ago.  I don't even remember what made me think of this, but I thought of the moment that I got that call from the doctor at the end that he wouldn't be able to help us.  That devastated feeling.  It all came flooding back and I had to quickly push it away to keep my composure at work. 

The other constant reminder I have of her is my post partum body.  I haven't lost all of the pregnancy weight.  My pre-pregnancy clothes (especially the pants) still don't fit.  Most days, I have to still wear my maternity pants.  Not for lack of trying.  I have been good about my diet and I can't really exercise because of my hurt foot.  In some clothes, I still look pregnant.  So it's just a constant reminder I have every day. 

I was finally able to look at one of the pics I took while I was pregnant with her right at the end.  I could still feel her move during this time.  We were only a couple of weeks from going to Florida.  I just had to make it to that week and I thought things would be okay.  Things just changed so quickly.

I love you my sweet girl <3


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Jenna's Story

After over a year of trying to conceive naturally, my OBGYN suggested we try IUI. We did 4 IUI cycles with her before she recommended we move on to see a fertility specialist, who then tried 2 more IUI cycles before ultimately recommending IVF. We proceeded with IVF and that was an absolute rollercoaster. We went from the high of a fruitful egg retrieval, to an above average number of eggs fertilized. Then we were suddenly rocked to learn on day 3 that our embryos weren't looking great, and that we needed to brace ourselves for the possibility of nothing viable to transfer. This was our first taste of what we believed to be absolute heartbreak. So naïve. By some miracle, we ended up having 3 viable embryos on day 5. Those 2 days felt like an eternity then. Only 2 of those embryos ended up being good for transfer, so we thawed and transferred one and began our 2 week wait. We were floored to learn at the end of it that we were pregnant (spoiler: this one ends well, don't wo...
7 comments
Read more

Project Finding Your Rainbow

It has been a while since I have written anything, but I am super excited about this idea.  I am sure some of you remember the rainbow skirt that I used for my maternity pictures with my rainbow baby.  If you don't, here are a couple of pics below. (If you need a great photographer, these were taken by McGowan Images) Since then, the skirt has pretty much just been sitting in my closet without getting any use.  I kept trying to think of some way that I could use it.  I then saw an article about someone who had a skirt like this and sent it out to other women who had a loss to use and they would take their picture with it. Thank you to someone who commented with the link.  You can read about the original person doing this  here . This is when I decided I wanted to do something similar.  Every since our loss, I have wanted to do something to help others who have had a loss/are going through a loss and something that would help bring awareness to ...
5 comments
Read more

Anger

I have found that one of the strongest emotions I have had to deal with lately is anger.  I am angry at a lot of things.  I am angry at the doctors who abandoned me (in the end, every single one of them did and that really sucks).  The one who wrote off my daughter's chance to survive the moment of the CDH diagnosis, the one who told me well you can give birth to her now and spend a few minutes with her or you can wait and let her be stillborn, and the one who I had been counting on to help me and then wouldn't at the end.  I've mentioned it before, but it really sucks that doctors don't want to help you when they hear the word trisomy.  I wasn't asking for a miracle, I was asking for them to just TRY.  And in the end, no one would and we ran out of time.  The only one I did not feel abandoned by was my OB and he was the one person who couldn't really help in this situation.  Personally, I never want to see or speak with any of those doctors ...
6 comments
Read more