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13 Weeks

As of Sunday, it will be 13 weeks since we lost her.  Sometimes it feels like it has been forever and sometimes it feels like it was yesterday.  Sometimes I feel like it never even happened at all. 

I miss her every day.  I think about her every day.  I get the urge to cry most days, but usually push it away because I am tired of being sad.  The good days do outweigh the bad days.  My life is back to "normal" routine wise.  I take care of N, I go to work, I come home, etc.  Same routine. 

Weird things will sometimes trigger my emotions.  I was at work just sitting at my desk a couple weeks ago.  I don't even remember what made me think of this, but I thought of the moment that I got that call from the doctor at the end that he wouldn't be able to help us.  That devastated feeling.  It all came flooding back and I had to quickly push it away to keep my composure at work. 

The other constant reminder I have of her is my post partum body.  I haven't lost all of the pregnancy weight.  My pre-pregnancy clothes (especially the pants) still don't fit.  Most days, I have to still wear my maternity pants.  Not for lack of trying.  I have been good about my diet and I can't really exercise because of my hurt foot.  In some clothes, I still look pregnant.  So it's just a constant reminder I have every day. 

I was finally able to look at one of the pics I took while I was pregnant with her right at the end.  I could still feel her move during this time.  We were only a couple of weeks from going to Florida.  I just had to make it to that week and I thought things would be okay.  Things just changed so quickly.

I love you my sweet girl <3


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