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Guilt

One of the feelings I have been wrestling with a little bit is guilt.  I feel guilty that it's only been a little over 3 months and I am "moving on" with my life.  That I am not sad every moment.  Even though I realize I can't be that way.  I can't be sad all the time.  That is no way to live my life.  N needs me and my family needs me. 

But it's still hard.  I know that I do suppress my feelings sometimes so I can just live my life.  I also sometimes feel guilty that I want another baby.  The new baby would NEVER be a replacement for her, but my family doesn't feel complete yet.  I so badly want a little girl that I can bring home.  A sister for N that he can grow up with. 

Feelings after a loss are so complicated.  You want to get back to your new normal, but then you feel bad for doing that.  Especially when you see others who seem to grieve so much longer than you.  And it's not that I don't still grieve, I just don't want to be sad every moment of every day.  And they say never to compare your grief to others because however you are feeling in that moment is exactly the right way to be feeling.

Going through my doula training (which is almost complete) has brought up a lot of feelings.  One of the things it mentioned was that some people may not know how to hold their baby who has already passed.  This was surprising to me because it just came naturally to me.  She was my daughter and my baby and I held her just like I held my son.  Why would it be any different?  I have learned that it's because many people have different feelings when they lose a child and each person has a different journey.  But that was definitely hard to read because it brought up memories of holding her.  Overall, it is good.  It helps me get the feelings out.  And I know more than ever that I do want to help others going through the horrible thing I had to go through.

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