Anger has been the dominant emotion yet again this weekend. I have no idea why, it just hit me out of nowhere and I was so mad at everything.
Mad that my stupid foot won't seem to heal and I still can't exercise because of it.
Mad that I am working so hard on my diet and yet my cycle isn't coming back and is, in fact, worse than ever.
Mad that I am so restless at night and can't get a solid night's sleep no matter what I do. Mad that I wake up at the same time every night (4 in the morning) and sometimes can't get back to sleep.
Yesterday, all I wanted to do was eat at McDonald's. Sounds so simple, but I had so much guilt that went along with it. Did I really want to erase almost three months of no dairy or gluten? Would eating it one time keep me from getting pregnant again or mess up my cycle even more? I know it sounds crazy, but I agonized over this one stupid decision. I ended up eating at home, which I know is better for me. But I hate that I can't just go eat there without feeling bad or guilty about it. And then I was mad that my mind went so many places thinking about this. It's so stupid!
Then I am mad about doing this diet in the first place. I chose to do it thinking that it would help regulate my cycles and help me get pregnant again. Yet, like I said, it's worse than ever and doesn't even seem to be helping. So then I think, why even do it? But when I tell myself it's ok to eat gluten again, I can't do it because I am afraid of undoing the work I've put into it. I just wish I knew if it was actually doing something or not.
Hopefully this feeling passes. I know it's all part of the grieving process, but it is frustrating to be angry at everything.
Mad that my stupid foot won't seem to heal and I still can't exercise because of it.
Mad that I am working so hard on my diet and yet my cycle isn't coming back and is, in fact, worse than ever.
Mad that I am so restless at night and can't get a solid night's sleep no matter what I do. Mad that I wake up at the same time every night (4 in the morning) and sometimes can't get back to sleep.
Yesterday, all I wanted to do was eat at McDonald's. Sounds so simple, but I had so much guilt that went along with it. Did I really want to erase almost three months of no dairy or gluten? Would eating it one time keep me from getting pregnant again or mess up my cycle even more? I know it sounds crazy, but I agonized over this one stupid decision. I ended up eating at home, which I know is better for me. But I hate that I can't just go eat there without feeling bad or guilty about it. And then I was mad that my mind went so many places thinking about this. It's so stupid!
Then I am mad about doing this diet in the first place. I chose to do it thinking that it would help regulate my cycles and help me get pregnant again. Yet, like I said, it's worse than ever and doesn't even seem to be helping. So then I think, why even do it? But when I tell myself it's ok to eat gluten again, I can't do it because I am afraid of undoing the work I've put into it. I just wish I knew if it was actually doing something or not.
Hopefully this feeling passes. I know it's all part of the grieving process, but it is frustrating to be angry at everything.
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