Life is Stupidly Unfair: A Mom's Journey of Survival

I have struggled with religion with everything that happened.  I grew up going to church, but haven't really gone to church much in my adult life.  I believe in God and I do pray, but just never really went to church.  With everything that happened with Jasmine, it definitely made me question things.  I alternated going back and forth between praying harder for things to be okay and being so angry I didn't want to talk to God at all.  When I lost her, I was very angry with him.  How could he let this happen?  Couldn't he stop this?  Why me?  Am I bad person and being punished for something?  As time has gone on, I have tried to look at things on the more positive side (I know it sounds weird that there would even be a positive side to any of this at all).  When I look at the person I am today, it's different than the person I was 5 months ago.  And I think the changes are good.  It makes you realize that some thin...

I am writing about something today that I find kind of hard to talk about because it is a weird feeling to me.  One of the most important things someone told me after the loss of Jasmine was that whatever I am feeling in that moment is the exact right thing to be feeling.  I have kept that with me because I absolutely believe it is true. I realized the other day that I feel some relief that Jasmine passed the way that she did.  She never had to be born and struggle to breathe.  She never had to endure surgery or any of the other things the a lot of CDH kids have to endure.  She would never feel pain and she would never suffer.  She literally only ever knew life inside my belly.  She knew the sound of my heart and the sound of my voice.  She knew the sound of my husband's voice and she knew the sound of her brother's voice.  I believe that babies can pick up on our emotions while you are pregnant with them.  So I believe she felt ...

What I want to write about today may sound a bit strange. But I do taxes for a living, so it of course crossed my mind that we wouldn't be able to claim Jasmine as a child on our taxes for 2018.  And I find that extremely frustrating. It's not about the money.  It's about the fact that she isn't acknowledged as being a person since she was born not breathing. If she had taken a couple of breaths and her heart would have beat for even a minute, she would have been acknowledged with a birth certificate and a social security number.  It just seems so crappy. I went through the same birthing process as someone having a live child. I still felt her move and heard her heart beat for the 7 months she was in my belly.  She was very much alive and was very much a living human being.  It is disheartening that it can't really be acknowledged. Some states do allow you to claim your still born child the year you lose them.  I believe that the federal govern...

I have been busy lately!  I started my new job on Monday and I really like it so far. The people here are great and everyone is helpful.  Plus I don't start until 9, which significantly reduces my stress in the morning.  I feel like now I have too much time in the mornings! But on to what I wanted to write about today.  As I have mentioned before, I really want to get pregnant again.  And am a bit frustrated it hasn't happened yet even though it really hasn't been that long.  It just feels like a super long time.  One of the hardest things is dealing with other people who seem to so easily get pregnant. People who try and it happens the first time or people who weren't even trying and it just magically happens for them.  You try to be happy for them, but at the same time you can't help but grieve for yourself.  Why can't it be that easy for everyone? I already had to go through the struggle of trying to get pregnant and then throug...