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Religion

I have struggled with religion with everything that happened.  I grew up going to church, but haven't really gone to church much in my adult life.  I believe in God and I do pray, but just never really went to church.  With everything that happened with Jasmine, it definitely made me question things.  I alternated going back and forth between praying harder for things to be okay and being so angry I didn't want to talk to God at all. 

When I lost her, I was very angry with him.  How could he let this happen?  Couldn't he stop this?  Why me?  Am I bad person and being punished for something? 

As time has gone on, I have tried to look at things on the more positive side (I know it sounds weird that there would even be a positive side to any of this at all).  When I look at the person I am today, it's different than the person I was 5 months ago.  And I think the changes are good.  It makes you realize that some things just really aren't important. 

Today, I went to church with my mom.  We dropped N off at his class and we went into the main area.  Mind you, I have not been to church in a few years.  They were in the middle of singing a song when we came in.  As we stood there,  I was looking at the program and saw the list of people on the prayer request list.  It made me think of a friend who had told me she added us to the prayer request list at her church before we lost Jasmine.  And then I just lost it.  I was crying.  I can't even explain why.  I was so overwhelmed being there.  I cried pretty much through all three songs they sang.  I can't express what I was feeling.  It made me think of her.  Of all the angry feelings I had towards God and how I realized I hadn't really prayed much since losing her.  Clearly, I realized I was still angry with him.

I'm glad I went today.  The experience wasn't what I expected because I didn't realize I would have such an emotional time with it.  I was kinda embarrassed to be crying in the middle of church.  Even though really that's a place I shouldn't be embarrassed about crying.  Part of me really just wanted to get up and leave and not sit through the rest of it.  But I'm glad I stayed.  I think it was something I needed to do.

And to be honest, it's one of the first times I have cried in a while.  The crying has lessened overall and I know I have come a long way on my journey of healing.

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