I have struggled with religion with everything that happened. I grew up going to church, but haven't really gone to church much in my adult life. I believe in God and I do pray, but just never really went to church. With everything that happened with Jasmine, it definitely made me question things. I alternated going back and forth between praying harder for things to be okay and being so angry I didn't want to talk to God at all.
When I lost her, I was very angry with him. How could he let this happen? Couldn't he stop this? Why me? Am I bad person and being punished for something?
As time has gone on, I have tried to look at things on the more positive side (I know it sounds weird that there would even be a positive side to any of this at all). When I look at the person I am today, it's different than the person I was 5 months ago. And I think the changes are good. It makes you realize that some things just really aren't important.
Today, I went to church with my mom. We dropped N off at his class and we went into the main area. Mind you, I have not been to church in a few years. They were in the middle of singing a song when we came in. As we stood there, I was looking at the program and saw the list of people on the prayer request list. It made me think of a friend who had told me she added us to the prayer request list at her church before we lost Jasmine. And then I just lost it. I was crying. I can't even explain why. I was so overwhelmed being there. I cried pretty much through all three songs they sang. I can't express what I was feeling. It made me think of her. Of all the angry feelings I had towards God and how I realized I hadn't really prayed much since losing her. Clearly, I realized I was still angry with him.
I'm glad I went today. The experience wasn't what I expected because I didn't realize I would have such an emotional time with it. I was kinda embarrassed to be crying in the middle of church. Even though really that's a place I shouldn't be embarrassed about crying. Part of me really just wanted to get up and leave and not sit through the rest of it. But I'm glad I stayed. I think it was something I needed to do.
And to be honest, it's one of the first times I have cried in a while. The crying has lessened overall and I know I have come a long way on my journey of healing.
When I lost her, I was very angry with him. How could he let this happen? Couldn't he stop this? Why me? Am I bad person and being punished for something?
As time has gone on, I have tried to look at things on the more positive side (I know it sounds weird that there would even be a positive side to any of this at all). When I look at the person I am today, it's different than the person I was 5 months ago. And I think the changes are good. It makes you realize that some things just really aren't important.
Today, I went to church with my mom. We dropped N off at his class and we went into the main area. Mind you, I have not been to church in a few years. They were in the middle of singing a song when we came in. As we stood there, I was looking at the program and saw the list of people on the prayer request list. It made me think of a friend who had told me she added us to the prayer request list at her church before we lost Jasmine. And then I just lost it. I was crying. I can't even explain why. I was so overwhelmed being there. I cried pretty much through all three songs they sang. I can't express what I was feeling. It made me think of her. Of all the angry feelings I had towards God and how I realized I hadn't really prayed much since losing her. Clearly, I realized I was still angry with him.
I'm glad I went today. The experience wasn't what I expected because I didn't realize I would have such an emotional time with it. I was kinda embarrassed to be crying in the middle of church. Even though really that's a place I shouldn't be embarrassed about crying. Part of me really just wanted to get up and leave and not sit through the rest of it. But I'm glad I stayed. I think it was something I needed to do.
And to be honest, it's one of the first times I have cried in a while. The crying has lessened overall and I know I have come a long way on my journey of healing.
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