Skip to main content

Relief



I am writing about something today that I find kind of hard to talk about because it is a weird feeling to me.  One of the most important things someone told me after the loss of Jasmine was that whatever I am feeling in that moment is the exact right thing to be feeling.  I have kept that with me because I absolutely believe it is true.

I realized the other day that I feel some relief that Jasmine passed the way that she did.  She never had to be born and struggle to breathe.  She never had to endure surgery or any of the other things the a lot of CDH kids have to endure.  She would never feel pain and she would never suffer. 

She literally only ever knew life inside my belly.  She knew the sound of my heart and the sound of my voice.  She knew the sound of my husband's voice and she knew the sound of her brother's voice.  I believe that babies can pick up on our emotions while you are pregnant with them.  So I believe she felt all the positivity, love, and hope I was constantly sending her way.  I never wanted her to feel like I didn't believe she would make it.  And I truly did believe that she would. 

I hate saying the word "relief" in reference to any of this.  I feel like it's saying that I'm relieved she isn't here with us and that is not how I mean it at all.  It's just a word that gives me a lot of uncomfortable feelings and I feel it has such a negative connotation.  How could you possibly feel relief at something as horrible as this?  I would have done, and did do, everything I could possibly do for her.  I want nothing more than to have her here with us now.  I am just glad that, while her life was short, I believe it was a happy one.  One in which she felt safe and free of pain.

So yes, I am saying that I feel some relief over the way things happened.  And telling myself that it is okay to feel this way.  It does not mean I love her any less.  It doesn't make me a bad mother.  It just makes me a person who has feelings.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Jenna's Story

After over a year of trying to conceive naturally, my OBGYN suggested we try IUI. We did 4 IUI cycles with her before she recommended we move on to see a fertility specialist, who then tried 2 more IUI cycles before ultimately recommending IVF. We proceeded with IVF and that was an absolute rollercoaster. We went from the high of a fruitful egg retrieval, to an above average number of eggs fertilized. Then we were suddenly rocked to learn on day 3 that our embryos weren't looking great, and that we needed to brace ourselves for the possibility of nothing viable to transfer. This was our first taste of what we believed to be absolute heartbreak. So naïve. By some miracle, we ended up having 3 viable embryos on day 5. Those 2 days felt like an eternity then. Only 2 of those embryos ended up being good for transfer, so we thawed and transferred one and began our 2 week wait. We were floored to learn at the end of it that we were pregnant (spoiler: this one ends well, don't wo
7 comments
Read more

Project Finding Your Rainbow

It has been a while since I have written anything, but I am super excited about this idea.  I am sure some of you remember the rainbow skirt that I used for my maternity pictures with my rainbow baby.  If you don't, here are a couple of pics below. (If you need a great photographer, these were taken by McGowan Images) Since then, the skirt has pretty much just been sitting in my closet without getting any use.  I kept trying to think of some way that I could use it.  I then saw an article about someone who had a skirt like this and sent it out to other women who had a loss to use and they would take their picture with it. Thank you to someone who commented with the link.  You can read about the original person doing this  here . This is when I decided I wanted to do something similar.  Every since our loss, I have wanted to do something to help others who have had a loss/are going through a loss and something that would help bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss.  Of
5 comments
Read more

Jillian's Story

Mama to Cadence and Savannah March 2015: The soft movements in my belly stopped. Ensue chaos, confusion, tears, and heartbreak. I was induced at 28 weeks on a Monday night, and Cadence was born still on Tuesday. Her father and I held her, family got to see her, and we had a few pictures taken. We had a small funeral and brought home a tiny acorn shaped urn that sits prominently on our mantle. She continues to be a part of our family. May 2016: Hope and fear coexist as we find out our high-risk rainbow baby, Savannah was having difficulties. I had developed Preeclampsia and needed an emergency c-section at 30 weeks. She was born weighing just 1lb 15oz. and was immediately whisked away to the NICU where she would stay for 66 days until we got to take her home. Rainbows The traditional rainbow baby: I cannot deny the joy she brings into our lives every day. I take a lot of pictures because I always fear that it may be the last one taken of her, and I try to remind myself of how amazin
2 comments
Read more