My life has been full of change lately and it has been completely overwhelming. Learning how to divide my attention between two children has been tough because they both seem to need me at the same time. I feel like I have had to tell N so many times "I can't help you right now, I have to feed the baby." I know these days are numbered with her being so little, so I try hard to not beat myself up about it. Being a parent is hard, no matter how many kids you have.
In the past few days, N has been asking a lot of questions about Jasmine and why she died. He was 3, almost 4, when we lost her. We tried to explain as best we could what happened, but he was too little to completely understand. I think now, he is trying to process and understand what happened. The first question came out of nowhere and caught me off guard because I'm not exactly sure what triggered it. He asked to see a picture of her (he has seen one before). I showed him and he asked why she looked weird and asked if she had already died in that picture. The next day he asked more questions again. He said he felt sad and I told him it was okay to cry. He did cry and I told him it's okay to be sad. He kept wanting to know when she would come back from Heaven or if we could go visit her in Heaven.
I tried to explain what happened with her and told him that she had a hole in her diaphragm and this caused the lungs to be squished. He is very interested in the human body, so wanted me to show him where the hole was. He has a book with the organs labeled, so I used that to show him. But now I think he is afraid it will happen to him or E. I did reassure him that this won't happen to them.
It is very tough to answer questions because it makes me emotional too. But I am glad that he wants to know about her. The toughest thing he said was that he wished E wasn't here and that Jasmine was. I know he does not mean it, but it's still hard for me to hear. The next day he was playing and hugging on E, so I know he loves her.
It just made me realize even more that the siblings are sometimes affected more than we may know or think at the time, even if they are young. It may just take some time for it to fully come out. I am glad that he feels safe enough to ask me the questions and want to be as honest as I can with him.
I think about Jasmine every day in some way. I am not always sad, but I do think of her. I think about how old she would be or what she would be doing now. I wonder if she would look like N or E. How many words would she be saying? What would the relationship be like between her and N?
In thinking about her, and the medical issues we would have faced with her, I also wonder about how different our life would look. How much medical equipment would she have come home with? Would she have suffered? Would she still be in the hospital? All questions I don't really want to think about, but they are there anyways.
I know that things come up sometimes when you need them to. So maybe I have some grief that is starting to come through again that I need to handle. I saw a story on Facebook the other day that had a child with Downs Syndrome that was giving a huge smile because she had just been adopted. I kind of lost it with this and broke down crying because it just made me think again about how unfair it all is. She may not have been medically perfect, but I loved her more than anything and want her here with us more than anything.
It has honestly been a while since I let myself really cry and grieve about it. I tend to tear up and push it back down. So I think this all is just a sign that I need to stop and take the time to continue to grieve and heal. Plus, it gives me a chance to let N learn about his little sister. He always includes her when talking about the family. "I came first, Jasmine came second, and E was last." So I know that her memory will not be forgotten by him.
In the past few days, N has been asking a lot of questions about Jasmine and why she died. He was 3, almost 4, when we lost her. We tried to explain as best we could what happened, but he was too little to completely understand. I think now, he is trying to process and understand what happened. The first question came out of nowhere and caught me off guard because I'm not exactly sure what triggered it. He asked to see a picture of her (he has seen one before). I showed him and he asked why she looked weird and asked if she had already died in that picture. The next day he asked more questions again. He said he felt sad and I told him it was okay to cry. He did cry and I told him it's okay to be sad. He kept wanting to know when she would come back from Heaven or if we could go visit her in Heaven.
I tried to explain what happened with her and told him that she had a hole in her diaphragm and this caused the lungs to be squished. He is very interested in the human body, so wanted me to show him where the hole was. He has a book with the organs labeled, so I used that to show him. But now I think he is afraid it will happen to him or E. I did reassure him that this won't happen to them.
It is very tough to answer questions because it makes me emotional too. But I am glad that he wants to know about her. The toughest thing he said was that he wished E wasn't here and that Jasmine was. I know he does not mean it, but it's still hard for me to hear. The next day he was playing and hugging on E, so I know he loves her.
It just made me realize even more that the siblings are sometimes affected more than we may know or think at the time, even if they are young. It may just take some time for it to fully come out. I am glad that he feels safe enough to ask me the questions and want to be as honest as I can with him.
I think about Jasmine every day in some way. I am not always sad, but I do think of her. I think about how old she would be or what she would be doing now. I wonder if she would look like N or E. How many words would she be saying? What would the relationship be like between her and N?
In thinking about her, and the medical issues we would have faced with her, I also wonder about how different our life would look. How much medical equipment would she have come home with? Would she have suffered? Would she still be in the hospital? All questions I don't really want to think about, but they are there anyways.
I know that things come up sometimes when you need them to. So maybe I have some grief that is starting to come through again that I need to handle. I saw a story on Facebook the other day that had a child with Downs Syndrome that was giving a huge smile because she had just been adopted. I kind of lost it with this and broke down crying because it just made me think again about how unfair it all is. She may not have been medically perfect, but I loved her more than anything and want her here with us more than anything.
It has honestly been a while since I let myself really cry and grieve about it. I tend to tear up and push it back down. So I think this all is just a sign that I need to stop and take the time to continue to grieve and heal. Plus, it gives me a chance to let N learn about his little sister. He always includes her when talking about the family. "I came first, Jasmine came second, and E was last." So I know that her memory will not be forgotten by him.
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