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Anger

I have found that one of the strongest emotions I have had to deal with lately is anger.  I am angry at a lot of things.  I am angry at the doctors who abandoned me (in the end, every single one of them did and that really sucks).  The one who wrote off my daughter's chance to survive the moment of the CDH diagnosis, the one who told me well you can give birth to her now and spend a few minutes with her or you can wait and let her be stillborn, and the one who I had been counting on to help me and then wouldn't at the end.  I've mentioned it before, but it really sucks that doctors don't want to help you when they hear the word trisomy.  I wasn't asking for a miracle, I was asking for them to just TRY.  And in the end, no one would and we ran out of time.  The only one I did not feel abandoned by was my OB and he was the one person who couldn't really help in this situation.  Personally, I never want to see or speak with any of those doctors even again.  Next time I am pregnant, it will be a whole new doctor this time.

I am also angry that this happened to me.  If the chances of it happening to me were the same as them randomly happening to anyone else, then why me?  It feels like the universe has singled me out lately and I keep getting hit over and over again.  I have to remind myself that the universe doesn't care.  It just randomly targets people.  Good people who don't deserve to have things like this happen.  I had two years of trying to get pregnant with her, a chemical pregnancy, and a miscarriage, and then everything that happened with her.  Isn't that enough for one person?  It makes me feel like a target and it makes me really angry.  I know everyone has things they are going through, but I feel like I have had more than enough of my share lately.

Then I find myself getting angry at random things in general.  When things don't go my way anymore.  I want to be in control of my life and the more I want to be in control, the more I learn that we really don't have any control over our lives.  Things will happen regardless. 

I saw a friend post this the other day and I really liked it, so thought I would share it here.  It really resonated with me because I totally feel this way sometimes lately.




Comments

  1. UnknownMay 18, 2018 at 2:45 PM

    I know what you mean. It's hard to not strike back. Taking the high road is the hardest road of all. The one thing that I've learned about anger is that you can't allow that person or that thing or whatever it is MAKE you angry; then, they win. I always try to let whatever it is that's making me angry and ready to lash out just sit for 24 hours. That allows me to respond thoughtfully and without emotion. That part has always been the hardest for me. But after 41 years on this planet, that bit of advice that a former co-worker gave me hah served me well. Thinking of you Sarah!

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    Replies
    1. Sarah CoxMay 18, 2018 at 3:07 PM

      Thanks for the advice! That is a good tip. I know that being angry really only hurts me. It certainly doesn't hurt the person I'm mad at. I'm sure they really don't even care!

      Delete
  2. UnknownMay 18, 2018 at 2:46 PM

    #has...sorry for the typo.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Christie H.May 20, 2018 at 12:39 PM

    SARAH! You have EVERY right to be angry. All those doctors let you down. It is my understanding that they are obligated to do all they can for their patients. Obviously I am wrong (but shouldnt be!)

    After the loss of Josalyn, the one I was MOST angry was with GOD himself. I was angry for the twice babies deaths. It took at least a year to get past that. I told my family & my sister-in-law, Carolyn, Bill's wife, helped me thru prayer. At first I wasnt receptive to God in the prayers (still angry) but as time passed, I came to accept the loses & the anger dissipated. Im hoping my understanding will come when I am united with my 2 grandbabies in heaven along with my other passed on family, mama, dad, my brother Jim, grandparents, ect. But while Im alive I will NEVER understand why He allowed such to happen. It is just beyond human capacity to comprehend.

    Now, whenever someone asks me how many grandchildren I have, I usually just say 3 (but Bethany & Josalyn make 5 & I would rather not need to explain. Ya know what I mean?!)

    All I can say is that getting it off your chest on here is very helpful. I just know you have to learn to let GO of all that anger & bitterness, for your own peace of mind. Until you are able to, there will be recurrent episodes.

    Just grieve as much & as often & as long as YOU & CHRIS need. Its just such an awful tragedy that is just too much to take, especially since there has been sadness in your recent past.

    Love always.

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    Replies
    1. Sarah CoxMay 21, 2018 at 8:17 AM

      Oh yes, I have been very angry at God too. Like why would he let this happen?? But I try to believe that there is a reason for everything and, like you said, that hopefully I will understand that reason later.

      Delete
  4. Christie H.May 20, 2018 at 12:43 PM

    I forgot to mention Nolan's grief. He is very young but he can grasp that something terrible has happened.

    ReplyDelete

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