Life is Stupidly Unfair: A Mom's Journey of Survival

I have had several people ask me how I'm doing with the holiday season approaching.  To be honest, I hadn't thought of this holiday season as being any different.  It's the first one after our loss.  But I have had so much going on I haven't even really thought of the holidays much. Christmas has been more of an afterthought.  But when I did think about it, it was more in relation to my son.  Christmas is still exciting for him so I know I need to make an effort to "care" a little more about Christmas this year.  I intend to get Jasmine a stocking, but can't seem to pick out the right one.  We don't all have matching stockings, so any would do.  But I'm having a hard time making up my mind. This would have been her first Christmas and if she had been born on her due date, would be around 8 months old.  I am sad that I won't get to see the interaction between them on Christmas.  I think lately I mostly just push the sad feeling...

I was just thinking the other day that it's only a little under four months until we hit that year mark on when Jasmine was born.  It will be here before we know it.  The time goes by like a blur because have Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then tax season starts and I get super swamped. I was trying to think of what I could do to celebrate her birthday. I saw someone else who had a loss who asked all of her friends and family members to say or write the name of her baby and send her a pic/video.  I really liked this idea because it helps keep her name alive and shows that other people still care about her too. I know people who have done things like balloon releases, but I would rather do something more environmentally friendly.  I have never been private in my grief and have written about it all.  The good parts and the ugly parts.  How else can I expect people to even begin to understand what it's like if I am not completely open and honest?...

I have never been one that's been big on doctors.  I don't like taking medicine if I don't have to.  I don't go to the doctor for every little thing.  I can pretty much tell when I absolutely have to go and am not getting better on my own and then grudgingly give in and go. Having to see as many doctors as I did with Jasmine was obviously not fun for me.  Each one giving their own opinion and some of them giving conflicting information.  One saying an issue was serious and the other saying it wasn't a big issue at all. It took me a long time to realize that I don't HAVE to see any doctor.  We have a choice here and that is one of the good things about our medical system.  I had a negative experience at my first MFM and left every appointment feeling negative and hopeless.  Like there was no point in fighting.  Then I realized I didn't have to keep going there because I was the customer.  I was the one paying and I had a choice t...