I went back to work a week after we lost her. No one was pressuring me to come back, but I knew I needed to for my sanity. (Plus, I did feel a little bad that all of this happened right in the heart of tax season! My boss and coworkers were all super understanding though!)
I couldn't bear to sit at home anymore just crying all day. I was going to be sad regardless, so why not at least go be productive? My mom and I talk about how neither of us can sit around too long because we get bored (thanks ADD!) :-) I simply got tired of being sad. I know that probably sounds weird. I mean, you can't just decide one day that you won't be sad about losing your child. But I knew that I needed to get back to my new normal as quickly as possible for my own sake. I know myself and that is what I knew was best for me personally. Sometimes I do wonder if I should've taken more time off, but I am glad I didn't. I was able to throw myself back into work during our busy season and have a nice distraction for a portion of the day.
When we got home from the hospital, I told my husband that I just wanted to sit and eat some bad food and watch a funny TV show. I wanted to laugh and forget about my pain for a moment. We turned on a show (I think it was America's Funniest Home Videos) and I enjoyed laughing. Until they did a segment that included a lot of baby girls, which broke me again. It just goes to show that you can't run from the sadness as little reminders always pop up in unexpected places. I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy last night and it involved a pregnant woman who had a baby that needed surgery in-utero. It just served as a reminder of what I had expected to face with my baby...surgery after she was born and everything that goes along with that. I cried. Most moments I am fine, but then there are those moments like that and they come and just take me by surprise. I know it will get better with time, but I also know it will never completely be better. But I am glad now that I have more happy "normal" moments than sad ones, even though I do constantly think about her.
I couldn't bear to sit at home anymore just crying all day. I was going to be sad regardless, so why not at least go be productive? My mom and I talk about how neither of us can sit around too long because we get bored (thanks ADD!) :-) I simply got tired of being sad. I know that probably sounds weird. I mean, you can't just decide one day that you won't be sad about losing your child. But I knew that I needed to get back to my new normal as quickly as possible for my own sake. I know myself and that is what I knew was best for me personally. Sometimes I do wonder if I should've taken more time off, but I am glad I didn't. I was able to throw myself back into work during our busy season and have a nice distraction for a portion of the day.
When we got home from the hospital, I told my husband that I just wanted to sit and eat some bad food and watch a funny TV show. I wanted to laugh and forget about my pain for a moment. We turned on a show (I think it was America's Funniest Home Videos) and I enjoyed laughing. Until they did a segment that included a lot of baby girls, which broke me again. It just goes to show that you can't run from the sadness as little reminders always pop up in unexpected places. I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy last night and it involved a pregnant woman who had a baby that needed surgery in-utero. It just served as a reminder of what I had expected to face with my baby...surgery after she was born and everything that goes along with that. I cried. Most moments I am fine, but then there are those moments like that and they come and just take me by surprise. I know it will get better with time, but I also know it will never completely be better. But I am glad now that I have more happy "normal" moments than sad ones, even though I do constantly think about her.
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