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Why I went back to work so quickly

I went back to work a week after we lost her.  No one was pressuring me to come back, but I knew I needed to for my sanity.  (Plus, I did feel a little bad that all of this happened right in the heart of tax season!  My boss and coworkers were all super understanding though!)

I couldn't bear to sit at home anymore just crying all day.  I was going to be sad regardless, so why not at least go be productive?  My mom and I talk about how neither of us can sit around too long because we get bored (thanks ADD!) :-)  I simply got tired of being sad.  I know that probably sounds weird.  I mean, you can't just decide one day that you won't be sad about losing your child.  But I knew that I needed to get back to my new normal as quickly as possible for my own sake.  I know myself and that is what I knew was best for me personally.  Sometimes I do wonder if I should've taken more time off, but I am glad I didn't.  I was able to throw myself back into work during our busy season and have a nice distraction for a portion of the day.

When we got home from the hospital, I told my husband that I just wanted to sit and eat some bad food and watch a funny TV show.  I wanted to laugh and forget about my pain for a moment.  We turned on a show (I think it was America's Funniest Home Videos) and I enjoyed laughing.  Until they did a segment that included a lot of baby girls, which broke me again.  It just goes to show that you can't run from the sadness as little reminders always pop up in unexpected places.  I was watching an episode of Grey's Anatomy last night and it involved a pregnant woman who had a baby that needed surgery in-utero.  It just served as a reminder of what I had expected to face with my baby...surgery after she was born and everything that goes along with that.  I cried.  Most moments I am fine, but then there are those moments like that and they come and just take me by surprise.  I know it will get better with time, but I also know it will never completely be better.  But I am glad now that I have more happy "normal" moments than sad ones, even though I do constantly think about her.

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