Two stupid little words that seem to always pop up in my head. In my head and my heart, I know that I did everything I possibly could for her. I was willing to relocate or go anywhere I needed to get her treatment. I was willing to spend whatever money I needed to for her. To even have to live apart from my husband for a while just to save her. In the end, none of that mattered because she just had too much that she couldn't overcome.
Even though I know I did everything I could, I still always ask myself that question. What if the doctor in Florida hadn't taken three days to call me back and I could've gone to Houston sooner? What if I had just gone to Houston in the first place? What if I had contacted multiple doctors in the beginning? What if someone had been willing to drain that fluid in her chest? Would any of that have changed things? Probably not, but you still can't help but wonder about it.
And sometimes it feels like I didn't do enough. Even though I can't really think of anything I could've done to change the outcome. A part of me always feels like I didn't do enough to save her. I know that this was a random genetic disorder that had nothing to do with me or my husband. But those thoughts still go through your head. Was it because I didn't eat healthy enough? Because I didn't exercise enough? Because I exercised too much? Because I drank caffeine? Or ate too much fast food? In my head, I know that none of this mattered. None of this caused this problem and nothing I ate or did could've changed what happened. But still those thoughts persist. I don't blame myself for what happened, but part of me will always feel like I could've done more.
Even though I know I did everything I could, I still always ask myself that question. What if the doctor in Florida hadn't taken three days to call me back and I could've gone to Houston sooner? What if I had just gone to Houston in the first place? What if I had contacted multiple doctors in the beginning? What if someone had been willing to drain that fluid in her chest? Would any of that have changed things? Probably not, but you still can't help but wonder about it.
And sometimes it feels like I didn't do enough. Even though I can't really think of anything I could've done to change the outcome. A part of me always feels like I didn't do enough to save her. I know that this was a random genetic disorder that had nothing to do with me or my husband. But those thoughts still go through your head. Was it because I didn't eat healthy enough? Because I didn't exercise enough? Because I exercised too much? Because I drank caffeine? Or ate too much fast food? In my head, I know that none of this mattered. None of this caused this problem and nothing I ate or did could've changed what happened. But still those thoughts persist. I don't blame myself for what happened, but part of me will always feel like I could've done more.
I dont think this blog is mobile friendly, bc too many tech difficulties on phone. So, here goes again.....
ReplyDeleteIm pretty sure its natural to second guess yourself especially in such a tragic event as this. "Coulda, shoulda, woulda".... as the saying goes. Self-doubts will arise in your mind even though you know you did all you could, given the circumstances & timing.
I did the same for my 2 girls when they were born. I was diagnosed with toxemia & pre-eclampsia in late term on both pregnancies. Im guessing that because it was late term is why they survived. They both were preemies & weighed under 5 lb too. This condition has to do with kidney function. Im not sure about the other part. But i kept wondering about my diet also, did i eat healthy enough? I was still working at the time when Lauren was about to be induced. THAT was stressful. Did the work stress relate to the toxemia in any way? (was some of my thoughts too). So at delivery (of both) the pre-eclampsia caused my BP to skyrocket, sending the babies in distress. So Lauren was induced, but Miranda was C-section since she was highly distressed ( so was I at that point, needless to say). Anyway in the end, my girls became healthy kids & adults.
Now about Lauren. Something you may & may not know since you were so young at the time. She had 2 babies, Bethany Lauren (Dec 2005) & Josalyn Leslie (July 2010) deliver at just 20 weeks each time. They were both under 1 lb. & lived about 1 hr. This was caused by the egg-uterine attachment location. Again, nothing she could have done about it. Prior to delivery of them, she experienced massive bleeding (major cause for alarm!) We found out that there was nothing the doctors/nurses could do to prevent delivery. Subsequently, she got pregnant again just 6 months later & had Emmet in Aug 2011, an uneventful, healthy pregnancy & baby boy. And then her next pregnancy of Lindsey, born May 2016, another uneventful, healthy pregnancy & baby girl!
We go to their graves & place baby toys & angel figures & new flowers each season/holiday. To this day, she thinks about how old they would be now, had they lived. Bethany would be 12 & Josalyn 7 (8 in July this yr).
The awesome love of family & friends got us thru these awful times & same goes for you too, precious Sarah & Chris & Nolan.
Wow that is so scary what you went through! Glad everything turned out okay. Lauren did mention the two losses to me. It is so scary how many little things can go wrong and you have no idea they can even go wrong until it happens to you. It's really a wonder any of us come out normal! Thank you so much for the support you have offered! <3
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