One of the very worst things about losing my daughter was the fact that I still had to go through childbirth and recovery from childbirth. I had to go through childbirth knowing exactly what the end result was going to be.
Since my body was nowhere near ready to give birth, they had to give me cytotec to help induce labor. Thankfully, I had some understanding nurses and they at least let me eat a meal before all this started. Once that process got things started, I had to have a few doses of these medicine until my water finally broke. I opted for the epidural, but was still hurting some. Overall, the labor and delivery was fairly "easy" and straightforward physically. Emotionally was obviously a completely different story. My most intense moment of grief was when they told me to make the final push and I felt a pop and there she was. I didn't want to push. I told my husband "I don't want to do this."
By the way, every single nurse and staff member I had up there was simply AMAZING. We even had one who heard that I was there and specifically volunteered to come in. She told us this was one of the reasons she chose to do what she is doing. Because she loves the happy moments, but loves to be there for support for the sad moments.
My OB was out of town that weekend (he was my OB for both pregnancies, yet was out of town for both deliveries!), but came to visit me on Monday morning. I asked him to discharge me because I just wanted to go home. One of the other horrible things about having to go through labor is sharing a floor with people having their healthy babies. Fortunately, it was slow that weekend and they didn't put anyone in the rooms around me.
Once going home, I still had to recover physically because my body did go through childbirth. This meant the standard six week wait to exercise. I was told to not try to get pregnant again for anywhere between 3-6 months. I know some people that have been told to wait even longer. I had to deal with my milk coming in as well and just waiting it out until it dried up. This was upsetting because that was supposed to be her milk. I finally got cleared at my OB at 6 weeks. That was a long wait because all I wanted to do was be able to go to the gym and work off some of those negative feelings.
Even worse is that I have such a strong desire to be able to get pregnant again. I feel robbed of my child and feel even more robbed that because I had to go through childbirth, I have to let my body physically recovery. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like being punished twice. While the physical recovery has been uneventful, I know the emotionally recovery will be a lifelong thing. It will get better with time, but the sadness will never completely go away.
We had a great organization, called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org), which sends photographers to the hospital to take pictures of your baby. I knew this would be difficult emotionally, but knew I would want the pictures later. I leave you with the favorite picture they took.
Since my body was nowhere near ready to give birth, they had to give me cytotec to help induce labor. Thankfully, I had some understanding nurses and they at least let me eat a meal before all this started. Once that process got things started, I had to have a few doses of these medicine until my water finally broke. I opted for the epidural, but was still hurting some. Overall, the labor and delivery was fairly "easy" and straightforward physically. Emotionally was obviously a completely different story. My most intense moment of grief was when they told me to make the final push and I felt a pop and there she was. I didn't want to push. I told my husband "I don't want to do this."
By the way, every single nurse and staff member I had up there was simply AMAZING. We even had one who heard that I was there and specifically volunteered to come in. She told us this was one of the reasons she chose to do what she is doing. Because she loves the happy moments, but loves to be there for support for the sad moments.
My OB was out of town that weekend (he was my OB for both pregnancies, yet was out of town for both deliveries!), but came to visit me on Monday morning. I asked him to discharge me because I just wanted to go home. One of the other horrible things about having to go through labor is sharing a floor with people having their healthy babies. Fortunately, it was slow that weekend and they didn't put anyone in the rooms around me.
Once going home, I still had to recover physically because my body did go through childbirth. This meant the standard six week wait to exercise. I was told to not try to get pregnant again for anywhere between 3-6 months. I know some people that have been told to wait even longer. I had to deal with my milk coming in as well and just waiting it out until it dried up. This was upsetting because that was supposed to be her milk. I finally got cleared at my OB at 6 weeks. That was a long wait because all I wanted to do was be able to go to the gym and work off some of those negative feelings.
Even worse is that I have such a strong desire to be able to get pregnant again. I feel robbed of my child and feel even more robbed that because I had to go through childbirth, I have to let my body physically recovery. Do you know how frustrating that is? It's like being punished twice. While the physical recovery has been uneventful, I know the emotionally recovery will be a lifelong thing. It will get better with time, but the sadness will never completely go away.
We had a great organization, called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org), which sends photographers to the hospital to take pictures of your baby. I knew this would be difficult emotionally, but knew I would want the pictures later. I leave you with the favorite picture they took.
A perfect little angel!
ReplyDeleteDad
This is beautiful! After my loss, my desire for another baby was so strong, but there is a wait. I also struggled with recovering and the extra weight I carry without having a newborn to show for it. Eleanor was my one and only pregnancy, and I think of her every time I see my stretch marks. Hugs mama
ReplyDeleteHugs to you too! <3 I still have some of the weight I gained from being pregnant with her. Even now, almost 3 months later, I still look slightly pregnant and my pants still don't button. Every time I have to keep wearing maternity pants, I think of her and miss her.
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