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Due Date Without A Baby

When you first find out you are pregnant, probably one of the first things you figure out is your due date.  The general date that you will meet your little boy or girl and have a new life to take care of.  It is an exciting time.  You make all your plans, pick a name, decorate a room, and wait to meet your new child.  

But what about those of us who aren't able to sustain the pregnancy for whatever reason?  Maybe someone has an early miscarriage or maybe they lose the baby later on.  Unfortunately, I have experienced both.  And then the due date becomes a day of extreme sadness.  Of lost hopes and dreams that you had imagined and laid out for your child.

Today is my due date.  The day my daughter Jasmine was due.  It was never a stress-free pregnancy.  She was diagnosed with CDH (congenital diaphragmatic hernia) at my 12 week ultrasound.  This meant she had a hole in her diaphragm, which allowed the other organs to move up into her chest and crowd her lungs.  She would require surgery after birth.  Obviously, this was not the news I wanted for my baby, but I just knew that she could survive and make it through.  I consider myself a strong person and knew she would be too.  Then came the unfortunate news that she was also diagnosed with Mosaic Trisomy 15.  Another blow to me, but still I knew she could overcome this.  Besides the hernia, she otherwise didn't show any markers so it didn't really seem to be affecting her.  But in the end, it was too much for her little body to overcome and her heart stopped beating at 32 weeks.  We lost her.  One of the most devastating days of my life.

I knew today would be hard, but it still hit me harder than I expected.  Last night, I just had an overwhelming sense of sadness that extended into today.  I ache to hold her in my arms.  I am sad she never got to meet her big brother.  I hate that N has to learn so early about death and that he has to see me cry.  It's hard to see other people who have babies born around my due date and to have the constant reminder of how old my child would be.  I hate seeing all these women who take getting pregnant and having children for granted and envy those who have never known this pain (though it is not a pain I would wish on anyone).  Life goes on around you and mine will too.  But it will certainly never be the same.

Comments

  1. UnknownMay 1, 2018 at 10:47 AM

    You demonstrated strength and courage throughout your pregnancy. I know Jasmine knows her mommy did everything possible to get to this day with a different outcome. Dad

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJuly 31, 2018 at 11:53 AM

    I just want you to know that I've read all of your posts and I also feel the same way. I've been looking for some good read that would perfectly match my mood and I found your blog. I also lost my first born baby girl due to CDH. Just 37 days ago. It doesn't feel any better. It just keeps getting worse. Thank you for making me feel that I'm not alone. Your words are full of encouragement.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sarah CoxSeptember 27, 2018 at 9:35 AM

      I'm so sorry for some reason I was never notified about this comment! I am so sorry for your loss. Please let me know if you ever need to talk or anything.

      Delete

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